Longing....

So the verse that heads my entire blogs speaks of how God is made perfect in my weakness, and how I am to delight in my hardships, my insults, my weaknesses, my difficulties and even my persecutions... all because in these moments it is when God is made perfect because it is by his strength I am able to go forth. His grace IS sufficient. (It is by far one of my favorite verses) I think the topic in which I'm about to write falls into all the aformentioned categories, and every so often I fall on my knees in tears asking God to remind me that his grace is sufficient and that my aches and difficulties and this weakness... are made perfect - because even though I am weak, He IS strong... and even though I hurt - He is a sympathetic God and His strength will pull me through.
This is something I'm often hesitant to bring up to most people because it's one that really does ache deep within. It's my longing to have a family beyond just James and I. The longing to have my house filled with a childs gallant cackle and broken valuables. The desire to wipe tear stained eyes over a skint knees or spilt milk. I would love to read bible bedtime stories and dress my kids up for church. To raise my kids in a loving home and see them off to college and eventually onto their own family, maybe live long enough to be a grandma even... who knows. My longing for children extends so deep that I literraly ache. It's a true struggle within me to not be angry over the idea of never carrying my own child and loving one as my own. The idea of adoption or surrogacy is so expensive that I don't see how James and I will ever be able to afford it. I find myself in a worry by the time we are financially prepared to adopt that they may not let me because of my medical history - the same reason I can't carry my own child. I love being a transplant patient - it implements all things GOOD. But my whole life all I ever wanted to be was a mom and then a Teacher. And my transplant has stripped me of both of those. How can you be angry at something that has given you life... and one I LOVE by the way... but the one thing you long for you know you can't have... and will likely never have. Without my transplant I didn't have a chance at either of the two anyway.... but having a family - with children.... I never imagined myself not having that. It wasn't until my senior year of college that I actually found out I wouldn't be able to have kids because of my transplant. I don't think I ever knew. And now I struggle with the idea all the time - when I see a baby in the grocery store. When I see my cousins with their own. When my neighbors little boy yells out across the street at James and I. It's a longing and desire that I pray every single day that God would decrease or help me manage a little better. And every single day my desire grows more.
I love James and the way he loves me. He wants a family as much as I do... and yet he chose to ask for my hand in marriage knowing the possibility of never having a child to call his own. That is a strong guy, a selfless man, and a husband who walks with me through every step of our marriage. I love that he chose me despite and loves me sacrificially. God matched us together just right... and for that I love my husband for saying yes to that match... and for loving me in a way I never thought was possible.
So... I made a blog to share the best and worse parts. This is a worse for me. :) If you want to be praying - this is a BIG area that I personally could use prayer for... and as a family, James and I both could use it. We plan and hopefully one day will be able to adopt and bring a child into our home. But it's a long way off..... and until that day comes, we need a lot of prayer.